A Puzzle I Cannot Solve
I cannot figure out these puzzles. I’ve tried various methods, but I always seem to arrive at the same dead-end. It feels like a deceptive cycle of repeated failures, and the puzzles are proving to be quite challenging.
What am I doing wrong? Am I repeating a cycle that I am not seeing? Why do I end up falling for people who I didn’t even like? Am I a golden retriever that is happy for any attention after a month?
In the past year, I had three major breakups. One was awful. I never want to repeat that, and I regret ever starting that relationship. The other was short, but I was infatuated. It was painful.
I understood that being madly in love doesn’t matter in the end. I have met people who liked me more and people I liked more, but they all ended with different reasons that were not about feelings. Feelings, to some degree, don’t matter because there are plenty of people who we are probably all compatible with but making it worth it is what matters in the end.
I think no one knows what they truly want. I know I want someone reliable and trustworthy, but how could I verify that until I go through it all? So my question in a relationship to the other party is
“Do you want to do this adventure together?”
Even though I want to ask this question, it’s tough to bring up questions that require vulnerability of myself and the emotional intelligence of someone else.
At the moment, I feel like I can’t go through this kind of pain again. I cannot get hurt by words again. I thought I had become resilient. I thought it would become easier after trial and error. I tried to disassociate myself from any feelings but was unable to. I felt the pressure of the water filling my eyes and flooding over. My skin dried up and felt raw. I felt a tinge of numbness. I know that this will pass, and I will be able to breathe. Start over someday.
The water filled my lungs, I screamed so loud
But no one heard a thingRain came pouring down
When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe
And by morning
Gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
By Taylor Swift’s Clean
