False Belief

I thought I was okay. Yesterday felt liberating. Today I feel like I’m in a gutter. I even went through all my past relationships. Thinking of my previous ones… what went wrong? I didn’t like any of them and knew the expiration dates. Those dates existed the moment that I meant them, but I did it anyway out of loneliness, attention, or fun. I had lessons that were insignificant and not worth pursuing even at the beginning. The only person I always end up thinking that excited me, and, even in the end, made the heartache beautiful. It would ache, but I knew everything was worth it. I would do everything again, and I would even try harder. It was hard because I knew I would always have a part of me for him.

The excitement was the same this time. I felt that he was different. I’m not saying this because of infatuation or the scarcity mindset. I’ve done my sampling in this city, and he was unique. I know that I am rare. Everyone I met said I’m someone who is not easy to come across. Whenever someone told me that, I never felt that it was a compliment. I felt that it meant there was no one in this city. I gave up early and met people who satisfied me with minimal needs.

I don’t know why I feel this sense of numbing pain. I thought I would bounce back the next day. I knew that I liked someone, but I was letting go over the month. I thought a light, easy, and comfortable relationship could have worked. Nothing needed definitions. But I never got to even say what I wanted. I was convinced it would work. I had this gut feeling that it would work. What was behind that false belief?

I feel like an idiot for letting myself believe in a false idea and replaying it over and over in my head during the holidays. If I knew what you meant or thought, I would have moved on. Why would I think you would be different? Was my brain broken by heart? Did I leave it behind at the conference? Oops… I left it at home and never brought it back.

I replay the last day. I visualize every moment and just don’t get it. However, we probably have different memories. Why does it have to be complicated when it’s so simple? Did I make you up?

Was it ever real? Did I make you up?

Was I wrong?
Did I make you up?
All along
I’ve been wakin’ up
You’re clearly disconnected
So who am I connected to?
Some person you projected
Were you ever telling me the truth?

by half alive’s Did I Make You Up?